Dear Maria,I had my first solo gig the other night. It was like a smorgasborg of humiliation. I totally bit it. Low standards never got lower. I was so nervous, I just did what sometimes happens which is I open my mouth and then all kinds of shit just comes flying out. I told so many bad jokes. I couldn't stop. It was some kind of reflex, verbal spasm. Example - "So that was my attempt at Aretha Franklin. I mean, how can you possibly sing Aretha after Aretha's sung Aretha, but people do that, right? So I decided I'd take a stab at it, because sometimes, stabbing feels good." What the hell was that???
And then, I not only started having verbal spasms, but physical ones. My right leg decided, right in the middle of a slow quiet song about lost love, to be epileptic. I reached over and pressed the sustain pedal and my whole leg just had a seizure. I'm singing, "What'll I do... when you... are far away..." and my whole leg just started shaking uncontrollably. I couldn't make it stop. It shook for a good 4 minutes. A good, mortifying 4 minutes. See, that's what I'll do when you're far away. I'll lose control of my bodily functions.
That's not all. During the next song, the mic was too close to my face. But my hands were occupied, what with playing the piano and all, so I shoved the mic over with my forehead. Maria, I head-butted the microphone in the middle of a song. I couldn't believe it right after I had just done it. I apologized right after the song was over for just having head-butted on stage. I explained to the audience that it was because I don't have 3 hands. "Oh, the things I've done because I don't have three hands," I added. And then I realized I had just done another one of those things you're probably better off never doing - apologizing to an audience. No one wants to hear that. It's like apologizing during sex. The last thing you want to hear while in the throes is, "Oops. Sorry about that." That just never adds to anything. And probably deflates what little you had going for you. So now I can say I've learned from experience on both accounts.
You see?? You see what happens when you're in Ukraine? And I'm going to do it again. I'm doing it again this week. And the week after that. It's like oh, my plate is empty... can I have a little more humiliation please? Seconds. Thirds. I don't know what my problem is.
Making fools of ourselves in front of unsuspecting Japanese people was funner to do with you than playing for unsuspecting Brooklyn youth by myself. But I'm going to do it. Because Debutantes never quit. They just put on more eye-liner.
Love,
